Today's Joke...

[pablocruze]

I thought there was a joke of the day thread, but I couldn't find it, so I started this one...

Feel free to add any good ones you might have saved up...

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to

process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly

get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,

“I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they

discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in

Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

“It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

[Vince-Vell]

had this one emailed to me this morning.




Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. 



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 



The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' 



The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' 



The old timer says. ..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'* 




We Old timers are helpful like that!

[risingstar]

tee hee

:)

[MACATTACK]

A big hairy ol' grizzly bear is walking through the woods when he spots a cute, fluffy little bunny rabbit hopping along.

The bear approaches the rabbit and says "Hello little rabbit, may I ask, does s**t stick to you?"

The rabbit replies "yes".

The bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his backside with him.

[nemesisenforcer]

had this one emailed to me this morning.




Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. 



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 



The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' 



The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' 



The old timer says. ..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'* 




We Old timers are helpful like that!

old horn dog:laugh:

[pablocruze]

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

[pablocruze]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious.
'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

['Nuff]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious.
'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

:stick:

[pablocruze]

http://i32.tinypic.com/35bfkno.jpg

[endsongjen]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious.
'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

:laugh: amen to that! always in the best interest of others. lol

[Alex655321]

http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm1/WhooopsWroengClausddd/irreg0954.jpg

[Makkari1]

I thought there was a joke of the day thread, but I couldn't find it, so I started this one...

Feel free to add any good ones you might have saved up...

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to

process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly

get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,

“I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they

discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in

Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

“It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

LOL :laugh:

[Makkari1]

had this one emailed to me this morning.




Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. 



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 



The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' 



The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' 



The old timer says. ..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'* 




We Old timers are helpful like that!

That's a good one. :laugh:

[endsongjen]

:eek: i didnt read that heaven one! lmao terrible.

[pablocruze]

Baptizing A Drunk


A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[endsongjen]

:laugh: welcome back pablo!

[pablocruze]

:laugh: welcome back pablo!

Thanks, Jen.

Thought I'd make a "splash"...:thumbs2:

[endsongjen]

haha!

now... get rid of that clown! :(

[pablocruze]

haha!

now... get rid of that clown! :(

I kinda like him...I think he's a keeper!!! :thumbs2:

[endsongjen]

mkay then :( lol

[nbr3bagshotrow]

A young Chinese couple gets married. Sheʼs a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that! On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her & tries to be re-assuring.

My darling, he whispers, "I know diss your firss time & you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anything you want. You juss ask.....so....watcha want?? He tries to sound experienced & worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows & he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually, shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I heard about from other girls.....numba 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...."you want.....garlic chicken with steamed vegetables?"

[endsongjen]

:laugh: terrible. awww

[Argonus]

Hahaha... classic. :laugh:

had this one emailed to me this morning.




Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. 



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 



The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' 



The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' 



The old timer says. ..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'* 




We Old timers are helpful like that!

[nemesisenforcer]

A young Chinese couple gets married. Sheʼs a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that! On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her & tries to be re-assuring.

My darling, he whispers, "I know diss your firss time & you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anything you want. You juss ask.....so....watcha want?? He tries to sound experienced & worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows & he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually, shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I heard about from other girls.....numba 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...."you want.....garlic chicken with steamed vegetables?"

:laugh: good one

[AsOneDead]

A woman is on her flight back home when the plane starts experiencing some pretty bad turbulence, she gets a little scared.

The pilot says over the speakers "We're experiencing some problems, everybody please remain in your seats and fasten your seat belts".

The woman starts to really panic now and thinks that she's going to die so she thinks she might as well live up her last moments on earth.

She gets out of her seat and runs to the first guy she sees and says "Make a woman out of me!".

The man looks at her and without any hesitation he takes his shirt off and throws it at her and says "Iron this!".

[endsongjen]

thats terrible! :laugh:

[Wesley Pierce]

An Irishman walks by a bar...

[pablocruze]

An Irishman walks by a bar...

Walks BY a bar???

Aw come on...nobody will believe THAT scenario...:laugh:

[Makkari1]

A young Chinese couple gets married. Sheʼs a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that! On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her & tries to be re-assuring.

My darling, he whispers, "I know diss your firss time & you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anything you want. You juss ask.....so....watcha want?? He tries to sound experienced & worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows & he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually, shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I heard about from other girls.....numba 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...."you want.....garlic chicken with steamed vegetables?"

That's corny enough to get a smile.

[Makkari1]

Baptizing A Drunk


A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

LOL :laugh:

[pablocruze]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. So, be strong, honey. I love you, too'.

[Dr. Manhattan]

:confused2

[endsongjen]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. So, be strong, honey. I love you, too'.


:laugh:

[Dr. Manhattan]

Two older ladies are sitting together in church one Sunday morning during a particularly long sermon. The first lady whispers to her friend, "I've been sitting here so long that my fanny's asleep!" To which the second lady replies, "Yeah, yeah, I know...three times now I've heard I've heard it snore."

[nemesisenforcer]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. So, be strong, honey. I love you, too'.

:laugh:

[scott]

A family of three go to the circus. Mom, dad & son take there seats and start to enjoy the show. Dad after a while has to use the restroom. While dad is away, son starts asking mom question about the elephant in the show. "Mom what's that long thing on the elephant"? Mom replies "Thats the trunk". Son says "No the other thing". Mom says "The tail". Son says "No the other thing". Mom says " Oh that's nothing".
Finally dad returns and mom goes to get some popcorn. Son starts up with dad. "Dad what's that long thing on the elephant?" Dad says "The trunk 0r the tail?" Son getting mad says "No the other thing." Dad says "Thats the elephant's penis". Son asks " Why did mom say that was nothing?" Dad replies " Son your mother is very spoiled".

[endsongjen]

:laugh: i like that one! haha

[Avenger]

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

[endsongjen]

:laugh: horrible.

[Dr. Manhattan]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[nemesisenforcer]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

:laugh:

[pablocruze]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Phoenix, Arizona.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings.

It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver.'



((I wonder if he'll visit Teague while he's there??? :laugh: ))

[endsongjen]

:laugh: im laughing more at ur comment!

[Teague]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Phoenix, Arizona.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings.

It's Jim.

Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bud says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver.'



((I wonder if he'll visit Teague while he's there??? :laugh: ))

We get more visitors this way. :laugh:

[pablocruze]

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

http://i38.tinypic.com/33xaln4.jpg

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......It says:










"Holy Mackerel, Dig The A$$ On That Chick"

[joefixit2]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time . Then, one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered.. 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

[endsongjen]

:laugh:

[Wesley Pierce]

Check this (http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/04/29) out

[bomen]

Check this (http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/04/29) out

i made it thru 5 mins...he's a typical X-gen punk who thinks all revolves around his supposed wisdom and wit. He's a rude, grandstanding, arrogant snotnosed, self-acknowledged academic loser who thinks the podium and event is a welcome mat for his schtick.

Somebody today needs to remember what it's like to be a responsible and mature adult and stand and politely interrupt the sad fellow and inform him (not ask) to kindly consider his speech completed, and please sit himself back down. Now.

God, I wish I were invited to more of these...

Can we please get back to some jokes now?

[ratchet]

i made it thru 5 mins...he's a typical X-gen punk who thinks all revolves around his supposed wisdom and wit. He's a rude, grandstanding, arrogant snotnosed, self-acknowledged academic loser who thinks the podium and event is a welcome mat for his schtick.

Somebody today needs to remember what it's like to be a responsible and mature adult and stand and politely interrupt the sad fellow and inform him (not ask) to kindly consider his speech completed, and please sit himself back down. Now.

God, I wish I were invited to more of these...

Can we please get back to some jokes now?

Have to agree here. Wasn't laughing when I watched it.

[Wesley Pierce]

That's the beauty of it. For me, what he was doing and saying wasn't the joke. The joke was him.

I don't know.. guess it's how I see things recently. The kids today thinking that life is a joke, that they can do anything and say anything they feel whenever they feel. It's sad but it cracks me up how idiotic they can be.

Anyway... that's why I posted the link.

[pablocruze]

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of
ammunition as of yesterday.

A reliable source said that one of the purchasers
commented that while Russia may have invaded
Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

[ratchet]

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

[ratchet]

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests look hard."

[pablocruze]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'We'll, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:


Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

[pablocruze]

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons, exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.


This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.


When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[ratchet]

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[Makkari1]

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

The truth hurts.

[Makkari1]

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

LOL

[Makkari1]

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons, exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.


This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.


When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

I love it, this is a classic.:thumbs2:

[Makkari1]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'We'll, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:


Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

You can't fool a Mom, they know things about you.

[Makkari1]

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests look hard."

LOL very funny.

[pablocruze]

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

[pablocruze]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[endsongjen]

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

bwahahahaha!!! this ones funny.

[Argonus]

Agreed, Jenny. :laugh:

[Vince-Vell]

just got a email from a family member.


----------


WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence . and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

'Okay... now what?

[Makkari1]

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

This is a good one.:laugh:

[Makkari1]

just got a email from a family member.


----------


WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence . and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

'Okay... now what?

OK that deserves the hand clap.

[Marvel]

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!” The lion answers, “The f***er makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

[ratchet]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

[Sgt Taz]

I hope this one isnt in here yet cause I havent read the thread. Here goes...


The CIA is looking for a new hitman. Through the training and tests three finalists remain, 2 women and a man.
For the final test, they put the first woman in front of a door and give her a gun. They tell her behind this door sits your husband tied to a chair, go inside, kill him and you have the job, simple.
The woman hesitates for a few seconds but says no she loves him and doesnt want the job anymore. Second they put the other woman in front of the door, give her the gun and tell her the same thing. This ones breaks into tears and tells about how he is the father of her children and how she cant do it.
Next up is the man. They give him the gun and tell him behind this door sits your wife tied to a chair. Kill her and you have the job. The man opens the door and enters. After a few seconds a click is heard then some kicking, screaming, punching and hair pulling.
The man comes out and says "there were no bullets in the gun, I had to do it by hand"

[pablocruze]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite
up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no
success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens
the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your
mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[pablocruze]

http://i33.tinypic.com/9zoqi8.gif

[pablocruze]

http://i37.tinypic.com/nwxc81.jpg

[ANGRYCOMICMAN]

Subject: Investment Tips for 2008 (If you have money left)


Investment tips for 2008 (If you have any money left!)


With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and

acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so

that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.


Watch for these consolidations in later this year:


1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:

Hale Mary Fuller Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

Poly Warner Cracker

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUp

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

TittyTittyBangBang

[pablocruze]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazilian?"

[IronFist]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazilian?"

<stares>

<thinks>

<re-reads>

<lols>

[ratchet]

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

[ratchet]

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

[nbr3bagshotrow]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
=====================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
====================================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
===========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
===============================================================?
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as
well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[joefixit2]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6
Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible.'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is that
risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[Almart]

LOL I love this thread !!!

[Vince-Vell]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[TNovak]

Ok here's one my 8 year old son heard in school (it's a lot funnier when an 8 year old says it)

Q: Why do girls wear make-up and perfurme?


A: Because they are ugly and they stink.

[pablocruze]

Funny call to 911...

View My Video (http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=ng350l&s=4)

[ratchet]

Ok here's one my 8 year old son heard in school (it's a lot funnier when an 8 year old says it)

Q: Why do girls wear make-up and perfurme?


A: Because they are ugly and they stink.

That's freakin' Hilarious!

[ANGRYCOMICMAN]

A very charitable Japanese billionaire opened a new shelter for women in L.A.



It's called Tempura House, for lightly battered women.

[pablocruze]

Towards the end of the golf course, Brian hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . .. ....POOF!!


In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature!

Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?


Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Brian recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Jack, where are you?'

Jack yells back 'I'm over here in the !%&!%&!%&!%&!%& willows.'

Brianshouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Jack; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

[pablocruze]

A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his f*cking widow....'

[pablocruze]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[ANGRYCOMICMAN]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

:laugh: :laugh:

[Argonus]

I laughed out loud at this.. :laugh:


A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[pablocruze]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he
noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the
other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.


"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."


"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the world, and not use it?"


The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in
1967."


"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But could n't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"


The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[nemesisenforcer]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he
noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the
other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.


"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."


"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the world, and not use it?"


The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the
first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in
1967."


"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But could n't you find
someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"


The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[nbr3bagshotrow]

HUSBAND DOWN

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a Case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Heard on the PA system:
'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

[twinzs]

:laugh:

[ANGRYCOMICMAN]

HUSBAND DOWN

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a Case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Heard on the PA system:
'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

:laugh: I sent this to Evil-Lyn.

[endsongjen]

thats good, LOL

[nemesisenforcer]

good one nbr3bagshotrow

[pablocruze]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line

[TNovak]

My wife must not have much of a sense of humor, I just told her Pablo's latest joke and she didn't think it was funny :confused2

[pablocruze]

My wife must not have much of a sense of humor, I just told her Pablo's latest joke and she didn't think it was funny :confused2

maybe it was your delivery...

timing is everything...:thumbs2:

[pablocruze]

WIFE FROM HELL...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car....
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver, Mike, says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps Your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting , Mike's wife Evelyn says, "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, Mike looks over at Evelyn and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
Evelyn smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal Radar
detector unit, Mike glowers at Evelyn and says through clenched
teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

Mike says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

Evelyn says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket Mike turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."

[pablocruze]

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep --I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[pablocruze]

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[pablocruze]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Millers are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

[fred flintstone]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Millers are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

they make my day:D
all the nurses laughed as i read out your joke;)