Pablo's Advice For The Married Man...and Woman

[moon_knight1971]

I'm born & raised in the Bay Area. I'm Filipino, Mexican, Irish, French & Indian. I've spent half my life on the hard streets of Oakland & the other half in the cultural gumbo that is San Francisco. I've been with girls from many different races, cultures, religions & beliefs. I've also been blessed to work with a diverse group of people throughout my whole working career so I have a greater understanding & appreciation than most regarding culture. I don't think many can say they are in a place as diverse as the Bay Area. As far as who is dominant PC, my answer is we both are. Depending on the situation, it could start off at me and work its way to her then go back to me. For instance, we were buying a car for her not too long ago. She asked me what kind of car she should get. I asked her what kind of vehicles currently appeal to her. She states a truck then I give her the speech on the pros & cons of owning a truck. We go to the dealer & she's literally overwhelmed with the amount of choices. I simplify it by eliminating the ones over our budget, then by function & comfort. So she makes the ultimate decision in this scenario but I play off her guiding her to make a wiser choice.

[moon_knight1971]

Originally Posted by Ink

odds are she's blowing you off and doesn't care. If she tells you where the door is, go somewhere for a couple days and see what she does

If I walk out I'm not coming back. That's why I take her sh&t right now. She's greatly improved but what she says when she goes over the edge still cuts like a blade every time.

[moon_knight1971]

Originally Posted by pablocruze

If that's her response, then either you're not getting your message across in a way she understands, or she just doesn't care about you and your feelings.

I'm torn on this because some of the things you say make this sound all too true, and yet some of the things you say make it ring totally false.

If you believe that all relationships need a dominant figure, who is the dominant one in YOUR relationship?

PC, can you give me examples of your 2nd sentence?

[pablocruze]

Originally Posted by Batwing

I don't think it's culture in this case; it has to more to do with MK's own inner conflicts.

I should introduce you to some Asian women among my circle of friends that'll totally reverse that cultural stereotype!

If you are directing that suggestion to me, I want to point out that I was directly referring to the asian male cultural perspective, reference to the female perspective could be inferred but was not intended.

That brings up the point that society, in general, from the dawn of civilization has been patriarchial, and to a certain extent, the patriarchy is ingrained into each of us, even in the enlightened 21st century. Perhaps this concept is deeply buried and not acknowledged or is even refuted by today's well reasoned men and women, but it is still there nonetheless.

[pablocruze]

Originally Posted by moon_knight1971

PC, can you give me examples of your 2nd sentence?

Without taking the time to go back and find exact quotes, it's something like this:

You say she tells you "you know where the door is."
You say she belittles your family.
You say she does "little sh&t every day".

at the same time,

you say you both really love each other.
you say you pamper and nurture her.
you say things are much better than at first.

Here's what I think.

There has been a lot of good advice and insight posted on this thread by everyone, and while you have acknowledged this, you also point out why it doesn't apply to you and your situation.

For a change, instead of pointing out how it doesn't apply, why not try and sit with it for a while. Try to see how it DOES apply. Naturally not everything that has been posted will directly apply to your situation, but put in as much effort making it fit as you are in making it NOT fit.

In fact, just for the exercize, assume that it all fits and contemplate that for a while. Assume that it's all you and not her. Just open your mind to that scenario and sit with it for a few days. It's very hard to do, but the insights gained can have phenomenal results...although they will probably be very subtle at first.

Change is difficult. We all tend to see where everyone else needs to change and somehow overlook where we need to change.

In the end, if you've been right all along, you'll still be right, but the experience will have been worth the effort.

[moon_knight1971]

Originally Posted by pablocruze

Without taking the time to go back and find exact quotes, it's something like this:

You say she tells you "you know where the door is."
You say she belittles your family.
You say she does "little sh&t every day".

at the same time,

you say you both really love each other.
you say you pamper and nurture her.
you say things are much better than at first.

Here's what I think.

There has been a lot of good advice and insight posted on this thread by everyone, and while you have acknowledged this, you also point out why it doesn't apply to you and your situation.

For a change, instead of pointing out how it doesn't apply, why not try and sit with it for a while. Try to see how it DOES apply. Naturally not everything that has been posted will directly apply to your situation, but put in as much effort making it fit as you are in making it NOT fit.

In fact, just for the exercize, assume that it all fits and contemplate that for a while. Assume that it's all you and not her. Just open your mind to that scenario and sit with it for a few days. It's very hard to do, but the insights gained can have phenomenal results...although they will probably be very subtle at first.

Change is difficult. We all tend to see where everyone else needs to change and somehow overlook where we need to change.

In the end, if you've been right all along, you'll still be right, but the experience will have been worth the effort.

Cool. Again good tips. I KNOW it's not me but I'll play along

[pablocruze]

Originally Posted by moon_knight1971

Cool. Again good tips. I KNOW it's not me but I'll play along

[Batwing]

Originally Posted by pablocruze

If you are directing that suggestion to me, I want to point out that I was directly referring to the asian male cultural perspective, reference to the female perspective could be inferred but was not intended.

That brings up the point that society, in general, from the dawn of civilization has been patriarchial, and to a certain extent, the patriarchy is ingrained into each of us, even in the enlightened 21st century. Perhaps this concept is deeply buried and not acknowledged or is even refuted by today's well reasoned men and women, but it is still there nonetheless.

No sarcasm intended. BTW, I should highlight that there are some Asian dudes in my circle of friends who would totally change that too! Some guys are contented playing second fiddle to their more assertive wives!

But you're right--the mainstream mental model is patriarchical in origin. I prefer to be Alpha Male myself.

[riderV3]

Originally Posted by Batwing

No sarcasm intended. BTW, I should highlight that there are some Asian dudes in my circle of friends who would totally change that too! Some guys are contented playing second fiddle to their more assertive wives!

But you're right--the mainstream mental model is patriarchical in origin. I prefer to be Alpha Male myself.

Some asian women are crazy they scare me...

[Batwing]

Originally Posted by riderV3

Some asian women are crazy they scare me...

Crazy women in general scare me!