Quote:
Originally Posted by moon_knight1971
And what if there is a problem that will not go away? The same weed in the garden?
|
A garden requires constant attention to perform at its optimum.
My neighbor is a fine example of this. Every time he spots a weed, he pulls it immediately before it has a chance to grow and/or spread its seeds.
I, on the other hand, tend to notice a weed and tell myself I'll get it when I "do the lawn". I try to "do the lawn" weekly, but having my own business, I sometimes let the lawn go for two or three weeks...by this time there are lots more weeds and it takes a lot more time and effort to get it all claened up. I'm trying to discipline myself to follow my neighbor's example (as it relates to the garden...he's not as good with relationships).
Now, applying the garden analogy to a relationship, I can share that I was on the brink of divorce in 2000. there were all knds of problems many of which arose from a stepson addicted to heroin, and many from misdirected focus.
For my part, I was feeling that I wasn't getting what I deserved from my marriage. I also felt that I was really puttng out a herculean effort to deal with all of the problems my stepson was creating with his addcition. My wife and I were constantly fighting over him which made the entire climate in our home almost unbearable.
On top of that, my passions include the SF 49ers, rock and roll (especially Jethro Tull), comic statues and busts, superhero movies, action movies, sports in general et cetera.
My wife, on the other hand, can't stand football, likes country music, thinks comics and the statues and busts are a ridiculous waste of money and laughs at superhero movies (she thinks they are ridiculous).
I wasn't happy, I wasn't satisfied, I wasn't getting what I wanted...every thought I had was about me and what I wasn't getting, what a martyr I was for putting up with the stepson, the wife's attitude toward the things I was passionate about et cetera. It was all about ME.
What I wasn't doing was considering her. What HER thoughts and feelings were. How horrified and scared she was that she might lose her only child to drug addiction. How unhappy SHE was with what she was getting from HER marriage...what she was getting from me.
Divorce seemed like the answer to me...probably to her too.
I sought counseling on my own, without telling my wife.
When I went in for my first appointment and the counselor asked me "Why are you here?" my answer was "I want to decide if I want to stay married to my wife."
That's when I began my study of relationships.
That's when I began to look at things from my wife's perspective. When I truly began to empathize with her, to clearly see her strengths and appreciate them, but more importantly to see her weaknesses and empathize with her, to open my heart and care more deeply than I ever had before.
I studied the differences in the way men and women think, relate and even communicate. I decided that before I could even consider divorce, I had to become the person that I always thought I was. I had to focus on her while I was building my own character.
I started doing the things I described in post #79 above. At first, I didn't feel like it, but I did it anyway and I ended up falling in love with my wife all over again.
And you know what? She ended up falling in love with me all over again too.
We tackled the problems with the stepson together instead of at each other's throats...he is now drug-free, married and working hard to recover his life.
My wife still doesn't like football, but she appreciates my love of the 49ers and even turns on the game while I'm at the games so she knows the score et cetera. She still doesn't like hard rock but doesn't get pissed and even encourages me to go to concerts (I also take her to see the kind of music she likes). She still thinks comic statues are a waste of money, but when were began remodeling the 3rd bedroom into my "man room" she suggested layouts that included display shelves for my collection.
If you've allowed weeds to grow in your garden, it takes effort, but the garden can become everything you want...you just have to do what it takes. :thumbs:
Wise comments, which I do regularly and probably why I'm still married to the same great girl for 29 years.
