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Old 06-26-2008, 12:33 PM   #1
pablocruze
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Today's Joke...

I thought there was a joke of the day thread, but I couldn't find it, so I started this one...

Feel free to add any good ones you might have saved up...

GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN…

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to

process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder could they possibly

get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said,

“I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they

discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get

married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in

Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH COME ON!” St. Peter shouted.

“It took me 3 months to find a Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
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Old 06-26-2008, 01:18 PM   #2
Vince-Vell
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had this one emailed to me this morning.




Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. 



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 



The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' 



The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' 



The old timer says. ..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'* 




We Old timers are helpful like that!
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Old 06-26-2008, 02:49 PM   #3
risingstar
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tee hee

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Old 06-27-2008, 07:03 AM   #4
MACATTACK
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A big hairy ol' grizzly bear is walking through the woods when he spots a cute, fluffy little bunny rabbit hopping along.

The bear approaches the rabbit and says "Hello little rabbit, may I ask, does s**t stick to you?"

The rabbit replies "yes".

The bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his backside with him.
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Old 06-27-2008, 09:45 AM   #5
nemesisenforcer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vince-Vell View Post
had this one emailed to me this morning.




Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. 



The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. 



The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' 



The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' 



The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' 



The old timer says. ..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'* 




We Old timers are helpful like that!
old horn dog
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Old 06-27-2008, 01:30 PM   #6
pablocruze
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A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
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Old 07-02-2008, 07:58 PM   #7
pablocruze
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Why Women Lie

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious.
'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:00 PM   #8
'Nuff
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pablocruze View Post
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious.
'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:49 PM   #9
pablocruze
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Old 07-02-2008, 10:10 PM   #10
endsongjen
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pablocruze View Post
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river.
He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.


'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious.
'You lied! That is an untruth!'
The seamstress replied,'Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
amen to that! always in the best interest of others. lol
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