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Old 02-06-2009, 07:11 PM   #101
pablocruze
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:49 PM   #102
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My wife must not have much of a sense of humor, I just told her Pablo's latest joke and she didn't think it was funny
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:51 PM   #103
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TNovak View Post
My wife must not have much of a sense of humor, I just told her Pablo's latest joke and she didn't think it was funny
maybe it was your delivery...

timing is everything...
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:44 PM   #104
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WIFE FROM HELL...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car....
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver, Mike, says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
60, perhaps Your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting , Mike's wife Evelyn says, "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, Mike looks over at Evelyn and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
Evelyn smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal Radar
detector unit, Mike glowers at Evelyn and says through clenched
teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

Mike says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

Evelyn says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket Mike turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."
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Old 02-11-2009, 07:08 PM   #105
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HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep --I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
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Old 02-11-2009, 07:12 PM   #106
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For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:00 AM   #107
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Millers are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
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Old 05-16-2009, 08:05 AM   #108
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pablocruze View Post
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Millers are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'
they make my day
all the nurses laughed as i read out your joke
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